Know Who You Are
The first step to living openly and freely requires that one first accept oneself. For many, this coming-out process begins with educating oneself about the history, the research and the basic terminology.
The history of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) movement is very long and rich. And like you, each of these identities has its own timeline and journey. On this website, we will try to provide a basic overview of the movement as a whole. We will highlight some key facts and events in history. Then, we will point you to DVDs and books where you can continue to equip yourself by knowing the history.
Research on LGBT issues has occurred for over 100 years. In that time, science has helped society begin to understand sexuality not as a vice but as a biologic drive. Studies have found surprising facts about the nature of sexuality, and we will try to arm you with some of those basic findings.
As you read the articles posted on this website, there may be many terms that may be foreign to you. Be sure to check out this glossary to ensure your understanding of the terminology.
If you came to this website to have a better understanding about yourself, you may be what some call "questioning". This means some things in your life have occurred that have given you pause to consider that you are not like others in terms of your biologic drives. This does not necessary mean you are gay or transgender. This is your journey, and you have to draw your conclusions about you for yourself. We will simply try to help arm you with educational materials and a support network that you can call upon at any time.
Please engage by adding your comments, asking questions, joing our events and maybe even getting involved as a volunteer at some level.
Coming Out
Submitted by Jon Garinn (not verified) on Wed, 2006-10-11 08:34.
Thanks, Scott, for your willingness to be who you are. I received the following e-mail from an online reader in New York:
"All I can say is, WOW! Oh, the times, they are a changing. When I was on the board of the Dallas Gay Alliance back in the mid-80s, we invited editorial journalists to participate in a panel discussion about why they write what they do about our community. THE most awful anti-gay editorial writer in town, a guy from The Dallas Morning News, finally agreed to participate after much arm-twisting. That night there was a full house, and people from our community were lined up at the microphone for over two hours. Boy, did he get an earful! It took time, certainly not overnight, but The Morning News finally started changing its editorial policies regarding our community. To see 20 years later an insert like this one makes me quite proud. I guess all those seeds we planted way back then (when we had all of our hair, less girth and more energy) actually managed to grow into something after all. It's comforting to see it every now and again. I hope those replanting the field now are as fortunate to see what becomes of their labors down the road."
Clearly, then, the people at Coming Out Project DFW who have worked so hard to replant the field are beginning to see their efforts grow into something positive through your decision to live openly and honestly, without shame or fear.
» reply
Coming out and married?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 2007-04-08 18:44.
I am in desperate need of a support group for married women who feel that they might be gay. I'll share a little about myself in the hope that someone reading my post can help me.
I am in my mid thirties and new to Dallas. I am married to an amazing man whom I love deeply. Our relationship is perfect, except for the intimacy part. Through therapy, I have come to accept that I might be gay. It took me forever to allow the thought to enter my mind.
I have never been with a woman nor am I looking to experiment on the side. However, I recognize the attration. I love and respect my husband and do not believe in having an affair to confirm what I am afraid might be true.
There have to be other women like me. I need to feel normal. I need to talk with other women who are hurting inside because either they live a married life denying their true sexual self or they divorce their spouse for something completely unknown.
Any advice or resouce information would be helpful. Thank you!
» reply
I've been there...
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 2007-06-09 21:33.
I think, looking back, I can see where I have probably known my whole life I was gay. However, the generation I grew up in knew nothing about homosexuality and it sure wasn't openly talked about(I graduated in 1983.) I married the first guy I dated while in college after only knowing him about 6 weeks, a lousy attempt on my part to follow what I saw as the "norm". I was married about a week when I found myself wondering, "What the hell have I done?" We were together two years and the divorce was amicable. He is actually one of the few people I am out to, he knew all along and has been an encouragement.
My second marriage lasted 10 years and I was madly in love, we were best friends. Of course, he did meet me when I worked in a wrecking yard pulling motors out of cars, so hello...if that isn't a red flag, not sure what is. Again, I was trying desperately to live the life I felt expected to live. We were best friends, never argued, and enjoyed all the same things, however, intimacy was something I tolerated, but hated.
Four years ago, we divorced when he left me for another woman. Can't say I blamed him, but it devastated me anyway. I never saw it coming and I had no idea he was having an affair. I felt like, after I healed and dealt with the depression that followed, it was a Godsend and a chance to be who I am.
I came out to my daughter this year and she is very accepting (she will be 20 this July.) I have talked with a few people at work that I knew to be gay. But, because of my chosen profession...an elementary school teacher, I don't feel like being "out" to all my co-workers is really an option.
I have met some other gay women through a bible study and I do things with them when I can, I need that contact with people that can relate to me and what I have been through. I'm not sure if I will ever have a relationship with a woman. I'm about to be 42 and I am afraid I would lose alot of friends and family if I came out.
Many of the younger generation of gay persons feel that if you can't support them, they don't need you anyway. I don't feel that way. I have years and years invested in these friendships and although many of my friends wouldn't sever the friendship if I came out, the friendships would not be the same. Then I would have all my friends from church trying to "heal" me...LOL, but Christianity adds an entirely other difficulty to being gay.
In all this rambling I am simply saying, you are not alone...most of the lesbians I know have been married and had children, I think it is all the process of trying to live the life you feel like you are expected to live, rather than just be who you are comfortable being. If I did come out, my personality and mannerisms would probably make more sense to my friends and family if they were honest with themselves...LOL. Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk or just vent.
Good luck!
Beck
» reply
Out and Married
Submitted by Missi (not verified) on Thu, 2007-06-28 07:05.
I am married, deeply in love with another woman. My husband and I have been seperated for about a month.
I don't know how much advice I can give you, but I can relate to your situation. Feel free to contact me if you would like to talk.
MS
» reply
i got u
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 2007-07-13 20:15.
i am right there with u. I adore my husband but I've felt more than alone for years. He's my friend but not my partner. I did cross borders & have had 2 brief affairs w/ women....very short. I don't regret but know its a mistake considering I'm still married. He's a great man but the connection isnt there...so lady....I feel ya!
» reply
Married with 2 kids
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 2007-09-17 11:48.
hey there i read your article and well we have alot in common.
I am married to an incredible man that i love with all my heart and have an 8-year old and a 9-month old. I am 24 years old and have always had problems in the bedroom but like you i am very atracted to women and well i seperated from my husband wich was very painfull aboout a month and a half ago. he new from day one i was bi-sexual but he was the only person i had ever confessed to when i realized our relationship was somthing very serious and we were getting ready to talk about marriage.
about 1 month ago I met someone who i really enjoy to spend time with and we share alot and have alot in common. this past weekend i spoke to my husband and he understands. He said that if he knew this from the begining that he accepts me for who i am and what i want.
so i finally kissed this person and told 2 of my friends about it and i am finally starting to feel free and starting to find the real me.
hope my experience helps you a little it was nothing easy that i can tell you it has been a very hard painfull journey but i finally did it.
love
finally feeling free
» reply
Came out last Nov ... and I'm 40
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 2007-10-11 17:25.
Hello,
I just wanted to write you a quick note. I have never been married but have dated alot of men and always had a hard time with the intimacy part. I came out last November and I'm 40...It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I put myself on match.com to play around with the idea. Yes, I met some strange women but finally met my love. My advice is don't let time go by. You will know when you are ready.
Good luck to you.
Sincerely,
HB
» reply
Hang in there
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 2007-08-22 12:29.
I think you are a very brave woman. I'm married and bisexual. I don't think I could deny myself women. Thankfully my hubby doesn't make me. I want you to know that you are not alone in the world. *HUGS*
» reply
Am i doing the right thing?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 2007-09-27 11:10.
I dont know what to do, im in love with a gril who loves me back and everything has been great, however jus recently my parents found out and they hated it..i've never seen them be so dissapointed in me. My mom threated to kick me out of the house if i didnt change because im living at home right now and going to a community college so i've been trying to change. There is this really nice guy of whom i do like and my parents love him and he would be a great guy for me however i cant get the girl i love and want to be with off my mind. I love my family more than anything and i have always been so close to them my whole life and i dont want that to change...i want them to be proud of me and continue being part of my life in the future but i feel that if I do decide to be with the one i love they will hate me for it. So thats why im trying to make things work with this guy and give him a chance because i mean he is a real great guy plus everything is back to normal now with my family sice i've been dating him and i like that...am i doing the right thing? I jus feel like no one understands the kind of situation im in the girl i love keeps telling me to jus be with her but thats easy for her to say her parents don't know and she hasent seen the dissapoint on their faces like i have.
» reply
Am I doing the right thing.
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 2007-10-12 11:24.
Hello,
I am a heterosexual father of two with a daughter going to community college. The best advise I can offer, is to do whatever is neccessary to finish college. If you get kicked out of your house, that could interfere with your education. If your love truely loves you, she should understand that at this point in your life, your education must come first. After that, be true to yourself. If you are a lesbian, please don't get married to a man. You will not be able to deny who you really are for the rest of your life. The marrige will most likely end in pain for multiple people. At some point, after college, I would suggest you let your parents know who you really are. How can they truely love you if they don't really know you. They will have to face their own predudice which often will make a person realize how wrong they have been. There is the risk that they may never accept you, but they already don't accept you for who you really are. If they do come around, your relationship with them may become stronger than ever. Good luck.
» reply
Feeling lost
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 2007-10-11 20:45.
Ok so basically i have been dealing with my sexuality since i was in middle school and being that i am in my mid 20's it feels like I have spent the majority of my life not dealing with it. In fact I recognized that my attraction to men was there but I stuffed all those feelings deep down becasue of a number of reasons. I was raised in a Christian family and was very active (and still am) in church life.
I attended a Christian college and when I was there I met a girl who eventually became a very close friend. She was the wife of a guy who I had several classes with. We had a lot in common and feelings developed, even on my side. she was the first girl that ever made me feel this way (which was frustrating because she was married) but shortly after college we went our seperate ways but we have stayed in close contact via phone. Once we parted those feelings subsided and again the same old feelings of attraction towards men had arisen once more and were even stronger than before. Finally I got to the point where I realised I had to admit to myself that I was gay (in fact right then was the first time i have ever said it that way). Anyway in a very roundabout way-via text message i told this girl what was going on. Apart from the feelings that developed she has been my best friend and the only person i feel like i can trust and I figured she would be the only to understand.
Once she finally figured out what I was talking about she did a good job not freaking out. (I timed it when i knew she was getting on a plane and wouldnt be able to talk for a while) once we finally talked last night she was calm but she was confused (which was a given) but by the end she was angry and I thought telling her would finally help me not feel lonely but right now i feel like our friendship is changing and i feel even more lonely than before. I understand why it is little wierd but i dont want that relationship to change. I am still the same person nothing has changed the only difference is that now she knows i am checking out guys butt's instead of girls.
I guess i really dont know where to go from here. I am not really into the whole sterotypically "gay scene" (i.e. dance clubs, gyms, and such which is all i have ever been exposed to via the media and the 1 gay person i have known). I just want to be the same "me" i've always been but just ok with talking about wanting to meet guys. I dont want to be "hey i am gay" i just want to be "hey i am me" and if it comes up "oh yeah i happen to be gay."
I am sorry i am babbling and dont really have a particular question i just needed a place to talk about it in order that i might begin to process what I have been denying. so i guess thanks for listening.
» reply
Coming Out
I work in an extremely masculine and homophobic industry. I am a fire fighter. I am tired of hiding who I really am and I want to let everyone know that I am gay and proud of it. Thank you for this avenue to come out so that I can live freely and comfortably. I look forward to volunteering my time and getting to know all of you better.