Ok so basically i have been dealing with my sexuality since i was in middle school and being that i am in my mid 20's it feels like I have spent the majority of my life not dealing with it. In fact I recognized that my attraction to men was there but I stuffed all those feelings deep down becasue of a number of reasons. I was raised in a Christian family and was very active (and still am) in church life.
I attended a Christian college and when I was there I met a girl who eventually became a very close friend. She was the wife of a guy who I had several classes with. We had a lot in common and feelings developed, even on my side. she was the first girl that ever made me feel this way (which was frustrating because she was married) but shortly after college we went our seperate ways but we have stayed in close contact via phone. Once we parted those feelings subsided and again the same old feelings of attraction towards men had arisen once more and were even stronger than before. Finally I got to the point where I realised I had to admit to myself that I was gay (in fact right then was the first time i have ever said it that way). Anyway in a very roundabout way-via text message i told this girl what was going on. Apart from the feelings that developed she has been my best friend and the only person i feel like i can trust and I figured she would be the only to understand.
Once she finally figured out what I was talking about she did a good job not freaking out. (I timed it when i knew she was getting on a plane and wouldnt be able to talk for a while) once we finally talked last night she was calm but she was confused (which was a given) but by the end she was angry and I thought telling her would finally help me not feel lonely but right now i feel like our friendship is changing and i feel even more lonely than before. I understand why it is little wierd but i dont want that relationship to change. I am still the same person nothing has changed the only difference is that now she knows i am checking out guys butt's instead of girls.
I guess i really dont know where to go from here. I am not really into the whole sterotypically "gay scene" (i.e. dance clubs, gyms, and such which is all i have ever been exposed to via the media and the 1 gay person i have known). I just want to be the same "me" i've always been but just ok with talking about wanting to meet guys. I dont want to be "hey i am gay" i just want to be "hey i am me" and if it comes up "oh yeah i happen to be gay."
I am sorry i am babbling and dont really have a particular question i just needed a place to talk about it in order that i might begin to process what I have been denying. so i guess thanks for listening.