I think, looking back, I can see where I have probably known my whole life I was gay. However, the generation I grew up in knew nothing about homosexuality and it sure wasn't openly talked about(I graduated in 1983.) I married the first guy I dated while in college after only knowing him about 6 weeks, a lousy attempt on my part to follow what I saw as the "norm". I was married about a week when I found myself wondering, "What the hell have I done?" We were together two years and the divorce was amicable. He is actually one of the few people I am out to, he knew all along and has been an encouragement.

My second marriage lasted 10 years and I was madly in love, we were best friends. Of course, he did meet me when I worked in a wrecking yard pulling motors out of cars, so hello...if that isn't a red flag, not sure what is. Again, I was trying desperately to live the life I felt expected to live. We were best friends, never argued, and enjoyed all the same things, however, intimacy was something I tolerated, but hated.

Four years ago, we divorced when he left me for another woman. Can't say I blamed him, but it devastated me anyway. I never saw it coming and I had no idea he was having an affair. I felt like, after I healed and dealt with the depression that followed, it was a Godsend and a chance to be who I am.

I came out to my daughter this year and she is very accepting (she will be 20 this July.) I have talked with a few people at work that I knew to be gay. But, because of my chosen profession...an elementary school teacher, I don't feel like being "out" to all my co-workers is really an option.

I have met some other gay women through a bible study and I do things with them when I can, I need that contact with people that can relate to me and what I have been through. I'm not sure if I will ever have a relationship with a woman. I'm about to be 42 and I am afraid I would lose alot of friends and family if I came out.

Many of the younger generation of gay persons feel that if you can't support them, they don't need you anyway. I don't feel that way. I have years and years invested in these friendships and although many of my friends wouldn't sever the friendship if I came out, the friendships would not be the same. Then I would have all my friends from church trying to "heal" me...LOL, but Christianity adds an entirely other difficulty to being gay.

In all this rambling I am simply saying, you are not alone...most of the lesbians I know have been married and had children, I think it is all the process of trying to live the life you feel like you are expected to live, rather than just be who you are comfortable being. If I did come out, my personality and mannerisms would probably make more sense to my friends and family if they were honest with themselves...LOL. Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk or just vent.

Good luck!

Beck